La Vie Secrèt de Tubzey

This entry is dedicated to the ones I would love to curse for cursing me. However, I am broken as well and seeking God’s forgiveness. With that, I choose to forgive them with sincerity. Grab a drink and get comfy (or not).

Chapter 1 – Depression’s Ugly Lady

The words that struck me so hard from Elliot was “Why are you dark all the time? Why can’t you just be normal or better already?” That was only the tip of the iceberg. “Why can’t you dress pretty like my girl friends (from Harvard)? Why don’t you buy me gifts?” At the time, I was unemployed, and lived off student loans during undergrad.

Tears rushed down my face. (I will not type this again, because I will be continuously crying as I type this entire post.)

Brief context about my younger life: It had never been smooth sailing. Very seldom did my life have any joy. I had been through a lot just like every human being on this Earth with suffering. I was young, depressed and not confident. I had learned from Elliot that it was forbidden to be depressed, because then my value as a girlfriend and human would plummet into the darkness where they would never see me.

Chapter 2 – Cheating Lies and Trash Flies

The words that struck me constantly (incessantly from Chris’ mouth) was “You never trust me! I never cheated on you. You don’t think I’m enough anyways. I don’t see what’s wrong with my behavior! I wasn’t flirting! I’m being really friendly.” (Starts screaming and slams me down on the couch out of anger)

I forgave this one 5-6 times for cheating. I lost count. Every time I had an inkling of suspicion, I’d look through his phone. (Gasp! Yes, people. Grow up. If you have nothing to hide, then you wouldn’t care.) I found days to months to years’ (while Chris and I were dating) worth of sexual and intimate exchanges between him and coworkers and other random women. Had I not listened to my instinct to look in his phone, I would’ve never known about his affairs. The amount of times he told me he loved me while he was emotionally and physically cheating on me was numerous. It was a vicious cycle of confronting him, forgiving him and him lying to me that he would do better for us for 3.5 years. In the final argument of our relationship, he was screaming that he loved me and was sorry, and I screamed ” Stop! No more. You dragged me through the dirt over and over again. I’m too hurt and exhausted. I do not love you anymore.”

Chris taught me that “I love you” meant nothing. He could say those words and cheat on me again. He showed me that I was easy, extremely forgiving and not worth choosing everyday. This relationship broke me so much. Trust issues? Absolutely.

Chapter 3 – No Affection for Thee

The words that struck me the most from Armstrong was “I don’t remember when I stopped loving you.” That echoed in my brain for months. I was tormented. He loved helping people except me. He also couldn’t behave himself while being drunk at parties. He talked so mighty about himself, yet scorned others behind their back, his best friends, coworkers and everyone that loved him.

Let me state that no one is perfect including Armstrong. I was depressed constantly living with him. I cried for months which turned into 2 years. (oops, I said it again) Also he didn’t want to give me affection. Holding my hand or hugging me wasn’t necessary per his policy because he never had affectionate parents. Fun Fact: We had never french kissed, because he did not know how and did not care to know.

He taught me that I didn’t deserve any affection or the fine things in life; only the sales and last chance section. I learned that if I was worth the fight, I wouldn’t be so alone. He showed me that I was alone.

Chapter 4 – The Short and Rude Months

The words that struck me the most from Issac was “You always doubt me. Whatever I say doesn’t matter anyways. Also You’re too f***ing giving. Stop being so open and giving. I could’ve used you if I wanted to. You’re lucky that I didn’t do that.” It was grueling 3 months of this. Might as well call it a internship nightmare.

I gave so much of myself in desperation to be the ultimate best friend, girlfriend and supporter for him. We could never have an adult discussion about his behavior and how it hurt me without him being intentionally rude and disrespectful in order to dismiss and accuse me of berating or hating on him. He said that I was not a priority of his time. He would vocally say that he would rather be elsewhere when we were spending time together. We barely had time together, and certainly not enough to warrant his seething putrid condescending remarks about me asking for too much of his time.

He taught me that it was my fault for being easily used for my body, heart and mind. I learned that I wasn’t worth his time. I wasn’t worthy of being a priority in his life.

Chapter 5 – Booze Cruise and Away

Austin communicated decently in the very beginning. He made sure I was aware that he would be deployed on a booze cruise for the navy. I assured him that we had time to build a strong foundation for our relationship before he left so it would work out. Oh, how wrong I was.

His lack of communication brought instability. As we continued to date, he revealed that I needed to trust him so much that if he didn’t want to text me for several days that I needed to be okay with that. I still do not know of any relationship that chooses not to talk to each other (voluntarily). Anyways, that was a hard pass.

Once he deployed, I emailed him faithfully for the first few months, and then there were weeks of silence. Finally he called admitting that he had been discharged months ago and had been back in VA for a while. He simply did not “want to talk to anyone”, therefore choosing to lie about his situation. Quick context: He is a hypochondriac. He thought his tonsillectomy was throat cancer, so he got discharged early.

I severed our relationship because I knew he was not good to me and the person for me. He taught me that I was too clingy and needy. Oh, he wanted intimate exclusivity without commitment because he still “loved me and missed me”. Boy, Bye.

Chapter 6 – The Stalker

This, too, was a nightmarish dating internship. Maxim was a Russian guy I dated for 6 months. Though he provided food for me, there was no additional support allowed. He felt forced to comfort me. Him being the narcissist that he was, he would take my pain and sadness and make it his own and point his finger at me declaring it my fault. Quite odd. His lack of communication and unwillingness to share his past growing up with me was suspicious as well.

His bursts of anger and rage at peaceful Ukrainians driving down the road scared me. When I was watching a mission to capture Alexander Makarov in Call of Duty, he yelled at me saying that “Of course, you Americans paint Russians as bad guys”. I immediately turned it off in shock. This was coming from him who was applying to be a U.S. Citizen.

I allowed him to join in New Year dinner festivities. He wanted to gift my parents something, and he said alcohol would do. I pleaded him not to since my parents actually do not drink when they drive out somewhere and because my father is an alcoholic. He agreed not to bring alcohol but he lied. He shows up with a bottle of wine. Mind you I do not have a bottle opener, because I’m not a wine drinker myself. He destroys my tools and the bottle explodes twice all over my white cabinets and floors. He cleans half heartedly believing he did nothing wrong.

Here is when things get dicey. I broke up with him, but he called me and said that he was breaking up with me (not vice versa). He took 2 weeks to mail me back my key fob. He accepts a job transfer near my work place and most shockingly of all, he moves in 2 doors down from me on my hallway. I reported his presence to the police and to the housing office, so if he ever tries to hurt me or stalk me, then the legal authorities have him on my suspects list.

He didn’t teach me anything except to be careful of people that have much to hide and much to take. I never thought he would move in near me one month after we broke up. Here we are. He has not bothered me since I started ignoring actively in passing.

Chapter # – The Future

Yes, I admit. I wrote all this out, because I felt so frustrated that I let myself be so disrespected over all the years. Of course, there is more to the story than what I share. I promise you this, I am not perfect as I stated above. However, all I wanted was to be an amazing girlfriend turned wife who grows old with her man laughing and sharing life together. (Thank goodness it is none of these men.)

God was always missing in my relationships. The crazy part is I saw all the red flags early on, but I chose to ignore them out of my desperation for human companionship and validation.

From here on out, I am unlearning all those lies about me. I am learning that I am worthy of love. I am worthy of someone’s time and effort. I am worthy of gentleness, kindness and patience. I am worthy of affection and attention. I am worthy of a life with my (future) best friend and husband.

If you have read through all this, cheers! It may read like some juicy tea story, but for me, this has been therapeutic. I organized my thoughts. I reflected how, when and what happened and why I am who I am right now and why I behave the way I do in the context of relationships. I do have trust issues, but they are not without battles.

God, give me the strength to overcome every doubt and lie that comes my way. Because you have loved me through it all, I know I am made for love, have always been loved and will always be loved.